Seriously, I Kick Ass!

My week got off to rough start Sunday. Yes, I know Sunday is not the start of the week, but I am a Cashew. And for us Jews it is the first day, so that's what I'm going from. But that's not the point. The point was my Sunday was crap. I decided to sit out by the pool for a bit. This greasy gross Italian guy comes up to me and would not stop talking! He was fat and hairy and old. This dude would not stop talking to me. I acted like I needed to read my book and constantly checked my mobile. He asked me if I wanted to come to his place for some pasta. When I said no, he asked why and I said, "I'm allergic," which sounds bitchy, but is actually the truth. Buddy still didn't get the hint! Thankfully, one of my sisters called and I was saved by the bell. Shortly afterward I had to leave because I was tricked into a blind date. (But unfortunately I ran into him at the market while I was headed to my car. He asked me if I had a car and needed a ride. I was like, well I am in the parking lot. If I didn't have a car, how the hell did I get here?)

And the experience just reaffirmed all rumors and hearsay about blind dates and why they are horrible. The guy was not only not the type I would be attracted to, he was a complete self-absorbed asshole. He was also a loser. This guy was 27 years old, went to film school, ad recently moved out of his parents' place. He reads screenplays and play poker for a living. He has been outside of LA County like five times in his whole fucking life (including our dinner in Irvine) and has never ventured further away from home than Vegas. He hates school and reading. This guy could only talk about himself the entire night and did not ask me one goddamn question. And the only things he was able to talk about were the film industry and ultimate fighting! Eww! I tried to talk to him about real sports, like baseball, and he turned to ultimate fighting. During this topic, he mentioned three or four times that he was 5'10"...but I don't know if that was in feet and inches or what, because I am 5'8" and I am taller!

I mentioned I work for DaimlerChrysler and tried to talk about cars. This "man" didn't know what a Charger was! He knew nothing about current affairs and when I tried to talk about Darfur (one of my personal interests), he suggested that it was a good thing the Europeans came in there and colonized Africa because those people "were in the dark and need to be enlightened. They had no form of education and the continent was backwards." I was ready to rip him a new one at this point! I totally went off and shared my vast knowledge of Africa (seriously, for a white girl, I know a lot about Africa).

Buddy was also waaaay more of a girl that I am. He is a vegetarian (and when prompted as to why, could not explain himself) and has more peroxide in his hair than I do! But he could not dress for shit. On top of that, he acted like he knew nothing about me going into this, yet didn't ask one fucking question about me! My "friend" who orchestrated the whole thing later information she gave him a full debriefing on multiple occasions. At the end on the meal, I asked how much I owed. He said nothing if I bought him a few drinks. So after we get out of there, I said I had to get home to finish up some stuff for work. He didn't even offer to walk me to my car, tell me to get home safe or have a good night or ANYTHING! Just bye.

What a fucking asshole. This is a prime example of why it is so hard to find a decent man.

But after that, things turned up! On this week's episode of "Entourage" Debi Mazar's character was wearing the same exact pair of red patent leather heels that I have owned for months. I felt cool.

And at work this week, I totally converted Tiny Tim into a Sara Fan...or at least got myself off his Shit List. I created this program in Excel that analyzes our market movement reports, which come out monthly, for each segment and market we compete. All you have to do is download and overwrite the previous month's report, and the program does the rest! When I showed it to Tiny, he was floored! He said how impressed he was and called the program awesome. He told me I did a great job a few times and thanked me!!!!! Using my name!!!! And then he deemed me worthy of redistricting the West Business Center. It's nice to know he doesn't think I am the dumb blonde that I look like anymore. I am going to be traveling a lot for work over the next few weeks, and he told me to have a great time and he looked forward to seeing me when I returned. Wow. I am a happy girl! And word has spread throughout the office and they all think I' a genius! Go me! The downside is that I have no life outside of work...

Overheard in SoCal

While at the pool in my little complex, I over heard a conversation between two little girls around the same age in the kiddie pool:

Girl 1: Hi, I am Nicole. Who are you?
Girl 2: I think I am Jenny.
Girl 1: I am two years old. And I have a birthday! How old are you?
Girl 2: I don't know.
Girl 1: Don't you have a birthday?
Girl 2: I don't know.
Girl 1: But everyone has a birthday! Don't you know anything?
Mother of Girl 2: Come on Kim, how old are you?

Wow, kids these days! They just keep getting more and more stupid!

I went to my favorite yoga studio, Santa Monica Power Yoga. Here are some words and phrases one typically does not hear out of the instructor's mouth during class (please note that afterwards he came up an totally hit on me, and those words/phrases are not included):

1. climax
2. flirt
3. ride it
4. apparatus
5. open your legs wide
6. Kegle
7. nice clam
8. penetration
9. wanton
10. reproduce
11. fornicate

Yes, it certainly was an sexually charged class...or my mind is in the gutter.

My Boss the Asshole, Sexist, and Anti-Semetic Douche Bag

I hate my boss. But I only hate Tiny Tim because he hated me first and is not afraid to show and make it clear to everyone in the office. He also hates women and blondes in general, which is not a good thing for me. I am also about a foot taller than him and waaaaaaaaaaay smarter than him. So he probably feels threatened by me- the smart blonde Amazon who is a good ten or fifteen years younger than him. What a fucking pussy!

The new guy, Steve, is a guy. So Tiny Tim loves him. Steve has been here about a week and TT knew his name on the first day. TT only knew mine after three weeks. I have been at Daimler Chrysler for about three months and understand the business and how things are done at the company. I also have an MBA. Steve only has a BA. Today, I was helping Steve get acquainted with some of the systems we use, how to create an expense report, and those kinds of things. Because I am a nice person. Then Tiny Tim saw this and had to call Steve into his office. He wants Steve for work on a forecasting plan for him! Steve doesn't even know what a forecasting plan is, let alone how to create one! And he admitted it! Grrrr...I'll probably end up doing it and Steve will get the credit.

Seriously, what the fuck!?!?!?! Don't get me wrong, I like Steve. He's a nice guy. And Tiny Tim would have treated any other male in that position in the exact same way. So it's nothing again Stevie ole boy. But still, it is so not fair. And it's not just me. Tiny Tim treats all the women in the office like shit. He pushes them off his calendar to make room for the men. His AA was in a really bad car accident and he didn't even ask her if she was okay! In fact, he told her not to come into work because all the phone calls she would have to make would be a nuisance to him. I told my dad some of this stuff, and he goes, "What a neanderthal!" I love my dad.

Now the big question is, what is my game plan? How do I deal with this bull shit in a graceful and effective manner? My answer is work my ass off and let the results speak for themselves. I try to let my results speak for themselves. When I am not busy, I ask the AAs and other people in the office if there is anything I can do to help them. (But I am worried that this will give Tiny Tim the impression that I should be an AA...not that there is anything wrong with being an AA, but it is not what I want to be.) I try to be one of the first to get in the office in the morning and one of the last to leave at night. I am just going to do everything I can to show Tiny Tim that I am smart and capable and the type of person he wants on his team. And if that doesn't work, he can go fuck himself. I hope that if he reproduces (which let's all hope he doesn't- his kids would be the most fucked up little dwarfs), that he has daughters and this will change his way of thinking. But you know what, either way he will be sorry. In a few years when I am his boss, he will be sorry. I'll send his ass back to Detroit and put him in some horrible "penalty box" job.

On a side note, I know long have "The Tank" (aka the Commander). I know have a fully loaded Dodge Charger STR8...425 horsepower, 420 pound feet of torque, 6.1 liter V8 Hemi...oh yeah! And it does 0 - 60 in 4.5 seconds...it has a timer, so I know this from experience!