Sunday, July 27, 2008

Week One of the Big Girl Job!


I survived my first week as the Post Sale Services Marketing Manager for the Xerox Office Group! Yay! So far, I love the job and I love my boss. It is proving to be the complete opposite of my experience with Chrysler. My boss, Chris, has been so nice and helpful. He told me as long as I get my work done, he doesn't really care what hours I am in the office and when I work from home. At 5pm, he starts yelling at me to go home! This is such a nice change from my 80 hour weeks and 12-14 hour days with Billy Bob and Tiny Tim...those fucking pricks!

One thing Chris has been doing is expanding the scope of my job, which has me a bit worried. Chris has said he will do everything he can to help and mentor me, but his blind faith in my ability to accomplish the ever-expanding lists of tasks is scary, yet gratifying. I have already been added on to do some of the marketing for the highest profile printer launch in years! I am so excited to be added to this project after only a few days on the job. So far, it seems like everyone wants me to do some marketing for them. This position is a much a bigger and more important position in Xerox than I initially realized. It intimidates the shit out of me! My email inbox was filled with emails making marketing and meeting requests of me the first time I logged on...yikes!

Everyone I work with is very nice, but the youngest person is about ten years older than me. And they are a bunch of computer geeks. The office environment is much different than I am used to, which I think is a reflection of the laid-back mentality of the Portland area. I am still an up-tight East Coaster at heart! Chris has mentioned to me everyday that the facility has an extremely business casual dress code. I did show up on my first day looking like I was ready to kick some corporate ass! I always start with the most important element of an outfit when deciding what to wear- the shoes! I wore my Prada black patent leather stiletto Mary Janes, black Benetton skirt suit, and BCBG multi-colored tank top. The ensemble was completed with my black L.A.M.B. purse. Yes, this might have been a bit much, but you have to dress for the job you want, not the one you have...and I want Anne Mulcahy's job. And on the first day, I had to make a good impression. I want to maintain the bet-dressed/fashionista reputation I had at Chrysler. But on Friday, my boss was in cargoes and a Hawaiian shirt and his admin was in a tie-dyed dress! Welcome to Granola Country!

(At the end of the day Friday, Chris thanked me for me hard work. He told me to go shopping this weekend and spend my economic stimulus check! Hahaha, little does he know...but how well he knows me after only a week on the job. Am I that transparent?)

So, I am all unpacked for the most part. I still have some shopping to do to complete my new apartment. And my Honda Civic finally arrived...a week late. The shipping company paid for a rental, which I picked up before my first day of work. I get to Enterprise and the ONLY vehicle they had was a Dodge Ram! And it was not just any Ram...it was a 2500 4x4 Big Horn Edition. This means it had the Cummins Turbo-Diesel with the Quad Cab and extended bed. I almost died- Chrysler is still haunting me! This thing was huge. I have notice the law-abiding hippie citizens of Oregon drive the speed limit. I have always taken speed limits to be the absolute minimum velocity one should drive at. When the little compacts on the road saw me in the Ram driving 80 mph when they were going 55, they got the fuck out of my way!!!

I had some interesting experiences in the Evil Truck. The parking structure is in the basement of my building. As I was going down the ramp, all of a sudden I hear the horrible screech of metal-on-metal and the roof of the truck scraped against the ceiling! I freaked the fuck out and tried to back up. But a goddamn Prius was behind me and wouldn't back up. So I roll down the window of the Evil Truck to talk to the driver. He says to me, "That's a lotta truck for a little girl!" I tell him I judge men by the size of their engines, and the little fucking 2007 Prius with 70 horsepower was not saying much about it. I then told him to back the fuck up or I would run him over...I've got chutzpah, bitches! So buddy backed up.

I put the Ram into reverse and stepped on the accelerator. Instead of moving backwards, the tank lurched forward! I freak out some more and put my foot on the brake and try to quickly transition to the accelerator. next thing I know, there is smoke and the smell of burning rubber! Guess I did not transition fast enough, but it got me out of the structure. I hard to park on the street. The next morning two fucking hybrids boxed me in and it took ten minutes for me to maneuver out of the stop...fucking asshole from the ramp the night before probably called two of his tree-hugger buddies to seek revenge on me for questioning his manhood.

Portland has a profound, yet disturbing lack of good-looking men. (There is one prospect- the super hot barista at Starbucks that I see everyday before work. We'll see what happens with this one...more to come, hopefully. I always seem to develop crushes on my baristas. Oh, and the leasing manager told me someone is moving into the building and she thinks we'd be perfect...hmmm.) As always, all the crazies have found me! Each time I go in to Wholefoods some hippie hits on me. I have given out more fake phone numbers than I can count. On the way back from yoga, I was hit on three times in 15 minutes on the MAX Rail (Portland has this great public transit system):

1. Some asshole sees me with a yoga mat and asks if we could try out a few positions together back at his place.
2. The gay guy sitting next to me told me he loved my L.A.M.B. purse and then said I was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. He then said, "I am not into girls, I like boys. But If I did like girls, you'd be at the top of my list. What are you doing right now? Come back with me and try to get me to switch team."
3. As I was getting off, two guys whistled and asked me why I was leaving and said to get back on the train.

It is going to be interesting living here.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

My Mom Was My Wingman...or Woman



I have been in Portland for a week today. It has been an experience. I am unpacked, by my goddamn car is not here yet..grr. And I want to make a Target run. But that is not the point. Girlfriend over her does not fit in. I am a label whore. I have blonde hair and blue eyes. I have received numerous comments from individuals stating that I do not look like I am from from around here.

I have also gotten carded anytime I have purchased, looked at, drank, etc anything to do with alcohol. For a vain and egomanical 25 year old, this is a big deal and a very good thing! (LA has ruined me...sigh.)

My mom came to visit me and help me settle in. We had a great time! All I can say is the Oregon boys seem to like me. I have gotten plastered on a few occasions with them. Afterwards, a few select and lucky people have received a drunken text/email/phone call from me, which I apologize for (although I am a bit more than tipsy at the moment due to these encounters). I should not be allowed unsupervised anywhere near electronic devices for communication (or straight boys...but that is another story...hence the nickname DH)if I have been drinking .

Anyway, so back to my mom. I was hit on an incredibly large number of times in her presence. The moment we walked out of my building after she arrive a car full of guys drove by and one yelled, "Hey baby! Looking good!" Like they have never seen a girl before. Oy vey! But my mom and I had a great time shopping, drinking, and shopping and drinking. And now am the proud owner of:

2 Theory Blazers from Saks- one black and one white
1 LAMB purse
1 LAMB wallet to match the purse
1 Matty M aubergine scoop neck
1 Rue 22 white trench coat
1 C&C California ocean blue V-neck
1Full bathroom set of pink accessories
1 set of Cuisine Art silverware
1 set of Cuisine Art white square dishes

And all it cost me was a few grand. But it's okay because I am making fucking bank with the new Big Girl Job.

I find it so empowering to be able to go and buy for myself with my own money everything I want. If I see it and I like it, I buy it! Go me! And I am doing my part to help the economy by using my economic stimulus money from the tax return to help boost the retail sector. I am a good American capitalist. John Locke would be proud!

So, my mom was totally my Wingman. Her last night in town we went to this cute little Spanish restaurant recommended by the girls at Nordy's. The waiter was semi-attractive and I told him how I just move here from OC and my mom was visiting from New York. Buddy was totally macking on me in front of the parental! I asked him to write the name of the wine I was drinking down and totally score the digital. (Does anyone remember the song that goes "Can I get your number, baby? Hit me with the seven digits!)

Mommy says to me, "Well, I am glad I wasn't a C-block for you." I look at her in disbelieve. She goes on to say, "You know what I mean, right? A cock-block." I tell her I know what she means, but am shocked she does. I said, "No, you are an excellent Wingman. Or in this case Wingwoman." This phrase she does not know and I must explain. She then proceeds to text my dad and to tell him she is my Wingman! Daddy texts back, "Happy hunting!" I wanted to die...I wanted to die even more after I realized hottie waiter overheard the whole thing! Lucky me. Like he will want me to call him after.

I had been advised of the high lesbian to straight girl ratio by the lovely Sharon. (Not that I have anything against people of alternative lifestyles. Some of my best friends play for the other team. Being a "Samantha" I categorize myself as a try-sexual (I will try anything once), I am an open person, but when it comes down to it I do LOOOOVE the boys!) I have had a number of close encounters of the lesbian kind. I have been approached a many instances in the week I have been here by a few women. But it is not the first time. When I lived in the "Gayborbood" in TO I was always being hit on by girls . Typically the Lipstick Lesbian is attracted to me, but in Portland they seem to express adoration for me. This is something new.

Well, seeing as it is Sunday already, I do start my new job tomorrow. I am the Post Sale Service Marketing Manager in the entire FUCKING world for the Office Group at Xerox. This is a big, huge job. Let's hope I do not mess it up. I did a lot of shopping this week and have lots of bills to pay.

Monday, July 14, 2008

The Foreign Country of Oregon


I am now living in Portland, Oregon. I feel like I am in a foreign country, or something. When I first moved to SoCal, I felt that way, too. So, maybe I am just now returning to what really is the United States. As much as I love Cali, it is like no place else in the world in both good and bad ways. I HATE the Hollywood/celebrity bullshit. I have an intense dislike for the traffic, exorbitant prices of everything, and skewed values system. But I love the weather, the beaches, the shopping, and the boys! And now I am Oregon. With all the hippie tree huggers. I have turned into a SoCal girl and wonder if Miss Materialistic over here with her tan, blonde hair, and blue eyes will fit in. The city was name the second greenest city in the world, and first in the United States. In other words, it really is the Granola Capital. I have never seen so many fucking Priuses in my life! But there are some great things about living in Hippie-ville I have discovered. You can walk everywhere! And there is free public transit downtown. And it is beautiful and lush and green. Things are reasonably priced. People are nice and friendly. And, as mentioned before, NO SALES TAX! I arrived in Portland Saturday afternoon after not going to sleep Friday and two straight weeks of drinking. I was going fucking insane not working and not being a productive member of society, that I regained the social life I so desperately missed under the Wrath of Chrysler. I meet up with friends, hit South Coast, sat by the pool, and drank...a lot. It's not like I had anything better to do! Anyway, so needless to say, I was exhausted when I finally got here. The movers were not coming to deliver my belonging for another day. I went for a run and explored Portland a bit. I am not sure if I like Portland yet (I think I do, but it has only been like two days!), but the Portland boys seem to like me! The number of catcalls and whistles I got made me wonder if these boys had ever seen a female before, let alone on in a skirt and tank top. I wasn't even in my apartment building for five minutes and I got two invites for drinks. Of course, because I am a magnet for the weirdos, they were not the type of guys I would want this attention from. Why can't the normal ones go for me?!?! So I stocked up on Corona and the first season of Entourage. I fell asleep reading on the floor by 10pm...I'm cool like that. And yesterday the movers came! Yay! I discovered almost all my boxes were labeled clothes, handbags, or shoes. I am not sure what that says about me, but there were also a number labeled books, so I do not feel so shallow. I decided I need to get rid of some of the Corona and started drinking. I hadn't eaten and already gone for a run, so I became slightly inebriated quickly. The initially zest for unpacking soon waned, and productivity plummeted. But I still made some progress. The first thing I had to unpack was the shoe collection. My new apartment has this wonderful little closet (I think it is supposed to be a coat closet) that just so happens to be the perfect size for my shoes...talk about a sign from above that this apartment is meant for me! I thought I had unpacked all my babies, when I realized my pair of tri-colored suede Stuart Weitzmans were missing. I freaked the fuck out. This mission took hours to complete (and productivity sky-rocketed...yes, I know, I am MBA super nerd). I had to open EVERY single goddamn box and found it one that was labeled clothes! Clothes! Shoes are not clothes- they are the life-giving essence of my existence...well, maybe not, but I love them.

I have been reunited with my shoes, but my apartment is a big huge mess. It is bad. There are boxes, packing material, and clothes everywhere. But it will be okay.

It is weird to be in a city where I do not know one person. Moving to Toronto and Oxford, and then Malibu for school was different because we were all in the same boat, starting a new shared experience. There was a group of interns in France waiting for me when I arrived. OC was close enough to LA that I could drive up every weekend. This time, I do not have any of that. I am really here...on my own...with no one. This will be an adventure!