Riding in an Ambulance and Other Adventures with Sally

I have finally recovered from the plague! Yay! And not a moment too soon because my former roommate from OC came up for the weekend. Sally and I shopped and drank our way through the People’s Republic of Portland. And I got to ride in an ambulance!

So, I am allergic to everything. Well, not everything, but a lot of things. Sally didn’t get in to PDX until late Friday night, so I stopped off at Whole Foods to pick up something to eat and wine. Now, there are two Whole Foods in the entire state of Oregon, both of which are at convenient locations. One is near where I live in the Pearl District and one is near where I work in Wilsonville. The near me I call the Evil One (although that may change after this experience) because bad things always happen to me when I am there. This is where I met my stalker. I had been in the PRP for two or three days and decided to make my way to WF. I pick up a basket and this guy comes up to me and tells me how I have great teeth, eyes, and sense of style. Immediately I think he’s gay…turns out not so much. He asked for me number so he could “show me a good time” and I told him I didn’t have my phone on me (even though he saw me texting) and to try email. I made him memorize a fake address. And now I see him almost EVERY time I am in that WF and he keeps asking why I am not emailing him back. And now he has started showing up at yoga asking if my email account is broken! Hahaha, take a hint, asshole!

And I also had a very tragic and traumatizing trip to this WF. I had just gotten my fabulous new haircut and had to grab dinner. The bitch at the register refused to double bag my groceries, and no sooner to I step outside when the bag brakes! And food got all over my $300 silk peach Cynthia Vincent skirt…then I went into shock. I was so distraught that I couldn’t even bitch and scream and yell at the customer service guy. Instead I was super nice. Not even a little bit of chutzpah. And he apologized and side WF would pay for the dry cleaning or a new skirt if I could not be saved. And of course the skirt is a few seasons old and no longer available. But WF has just ordered and the current equivalent and I should have it within 48 hours. Yay!

So the WF near Xerox is the Good One by default. I stopped off on my way home and purchased only Sara-friendly foods- lots of wine, gluten-free wheat-free peanut-free crackers and chips, and cheese. Then I went home to do some work before heading to the airport. Sally and I came back to my place and got slightly tipsy (well, I was tipsy. But I am also the world’s cheapest drunk) and got caught-up on each others’ lives. The next morning I got up and went for a run. I hopped in the shower and then I started turning bright red all over my body! My skin of tingly and itchy and I broke out into hives. And then my face got so swollen. My lips looked like I had a bad run-in with some collagen. They made Angie’s fucking fish lips look tiny! And my tongue swelled so much I couldn’t talk. I took some Benadryl and kept getting worse. I figured it might be time to go to the hospital.

Unfortunately, Sicky McAllergic-to-everything over here could not even walk to the goddamn care! Sally had to call an ambulance to get me to the ER. This was my first time in an ambulance. And oh my god, I felt like I was in an episode of Grey’s Anatomy!!!! It was seriously just like on TV. I get to the hospital and they load me up with a million different meds, and then I was totally back to normal! They did put me on a few prescriptions, including steroids. So don’t fuck with me- I am on the juice! And now thanks to the fucking ‘roids, I am all bloated and gross and uncomfortable. Eww. In the words of Cher Horowitz, “I feel like such a heffer!” Moo.

Then Sally and I hit up Starbucks, got ready, and went shopping! And oh, did we go shopping. We got out make-up done at the Bobbi Brown in Saks and they got us all liquored up with the free wine. I then proceeded to purchase more lipstick and clothes. Then we went to Nordy’s…and I got more eyeshadow…and the white leather Kate Spade bag I have been pining over for months. Drunken shopping is the best!

After our extremely successful shopping trip, we hooked up with Sally’s super-cool aunt and pseudo-cousin for dinner and more alcohol at a local winery. And of course, I was a drunken mess…would you expect anything less? I was hitting on all the hot guys, collecting numbers, and getting in fights with the dumbass bartender. I’m a prize.

Sunday we met up with one of Sally’s family friends for breakfast and pink martinis! (They were such pretty drinks!) Doug and Casey are two of the nicest people I have met, and they brought along this girl Heidi. She is Jewish on went on Birth Right, so we bonded!!

And then we headed back to the Pearl for more shopping! Because I am super-nerd, I LOVE bookstores. And Portland just so happens to be home to a famous bookstore called Powell’s Books. I bought some Chuck Palahniuk and James Ellroy for me, and James Frey, Chucky P, and Begdorff Blondes for Sally. Oh, and I got the world’s BEST calendar! SHOES!!!!! How Sara is that?!?! I can’t wait for 2009 and to hang it on the wall at work. (There is a guy at work that I always talk F1 with (go Lewis Hamilton!!!!) and his wife has a shoe and bag fetish, as well! So every morning he stops by to check out my shoes…or me. Not sure.) Oh, and speaking of shoes, I just got the HOTTEST pair of Christian Louboutins. I kick ass.

We made our way to the Kate Spade store. Fucking Nordy’s didn’t have a matching wallet for my purse. And I am extremely anal/OCD and NEED all my bags to have matching wallets…kinda like how I NEED my bras and thongs all to match. So, I knew I would never use the adorable Kate Spade bag unless I had a Kate Spade wallet to put in it. They did not have a white wallet I liked, so I got this little gold one to match the gold accents on the bag. And the best part is both the bag and wallet are lines in the same polka dot print!! How fucking cute is that?!?! And I knew I made the right choice when the gay barista at Starbucks noticed and gave me made props.

Then we decide we need more alcohol and hit up a cute Mexican-fusion restaurant. Then we start to head back to my place and are walking through the gay section. Sally sees a bar, and says, “What the hell? The place looks fun and we need more alcohol!” And we proceed to get fucking shit-faced. Because we are classy, we were the only ones in the bar at 3pm and made friends with the hot gay bartender. He hooked us up with the best drinks and shots and free CDs! And he was so hot. (Again, sometimes I wish I were a gay man.) Before we know it, it is time for Sally to leave me and go back to Cali. How sad.

But Daddy is coming to Portland! Yay! (I need it to look like I have my shit together, so I purchased pink drapes to match all my other pink shit in the apartment. I didn't have a drill to put up the curtain robs with...so I used nails instead...was that a bad idea??) He works for Xerox, as well, and has some workshops and meetings this week. We have scheduled some good father-daughter bonding time! We are looking at Harleys for him (he is contemplating getting another) and BMWs for me (because the Civic just is not cutting it anymore...I NEED more horsepower, dammit!). And I am trying to convince him to get a tattoo with me...we'll see how that one goes.

I'm Allergic to Hippies

Somehow, my seemingly mild case of bronchitis and an ear inflection has morphed itself into some sort of evil plague! I have been feeling like absolute crap and the meds I got early did nothing. In fact, I was getting worse. I left work early Friday to go home and sleep. I had just found a new salon and went for my first visit on Wednesday. Total blonde bombshell look! It had been dying for the opportunity to show it off, but rejected the offer Thursday night. A friend called me up to take a trip to Nordy's and then out for drinks...I declined because I was TIRED! When I have I ever turned down shopping or drinks?!?! I should have known then something was wrong.

(By the way, I wore JEANS to work for the second consecutive Friday! This must be a sign of the impending apocalypse, so watch for fleeing animals and follow them! They always seem to know where to go with this sort of thing. My mom even mentioned how the squirrels in Fairport were going crazy...and now she knows why. Although I have switched team to the granola side quite yet. Last week I wore my $250 Miss Sixty dark denim and this week I work my $300 navy Hudsons. I can still maintain my fashionista status and go casual at the same time. It's called multi-tasking! I am just trying to fit in with the company culture.)

On my way home I stopped at Target to stock up on cold medicine, as I finished off the last of my Dayquil. I bought every fucking cold/flu remedy they sold. Then I walked by the breast cancer awareness month display- it was all pink!!! I must have been high off of all the Dayquil because I bought every goddamn pink thing they were selling. And it was all kitchenware- pink frying pan, pink can opener, pink measuring cups, pink measuring spoons, etc. This wouldn't be such a big deal except I don't cook. (Actually, I am a very good cook, I just choose not to. It's hard when you don't have a lot of time and you are only cooking for one person! It's way easier to by bags of pre-washed pre-cut veggies, stick it on a plate, and call it salad than it is to throw together a real meal when you have two minutes.) Then because I am super nerd, I HAD to walk past the electronics section. The fourth season of "Entourage" just came out and I figured if I was going to be sick, then I was going to be sick while watching Jeremy Piven. Yeah, so my quest for $20 worth of cold medicine was expanded to include over $100 worth of pink cooking shit I will never use and DVDs.

I woke up Saturday feeling worse and sounding like I was about to hack up a lung. So on one the few beautiful days in PDX, I hauled ass to urgent care. Turns out that in addition to the ear inflection and bronchitis, I have a sinus infection AND early stage pneumonia! (I didn't even know you could get all these things at the same time, but leave it to me. I never do anything half-assed, and that includes getting sick. It's all or nothing with me, baby!) Seriously, how the fuck did that happen?!?!?! I don't understand. PNEUMONIA! That is something only old people get and when they do, it kills them! Oy vey. Thank GOD I did not have to be hospitalized. Instead, the doctor loaded me up with prescriptions- moxifloxacin (which happens to be the strongest antibiotic prescribed), prescription strength Sudafed, and vicodin (because nothing else can get me to stop coughing). I am all drugged up now. I feel no pain! Wooohoooo! And I think the drugs have made me a loopy. I am also under strict instructions not to drive or operate heavy machinery, and have been ordering to do nothing for 48 hours (like that's happening).

I have found all these drugs come with some interesting caveats-

1. The effectiveness of moxifloxacin is decreased with calcium in-take. I am not supposed to eat or drink anything that is high in calcium four hours before or after taking it. So of course I have had insatiable cravings for cheese, yogurt, ice cream, chocolate milk, and anything else with calcium...booo to power of suggestion!

2. Two of the most common side effects of vicodin are euphoria and drowsiness, both of which I am experiencing. It is an odd sensation to feel these two things at the same time. This is probably why it seemed like a good idea to clean my whole apartment when just twenty minutes earlier I was barely able to get myself out of bed. It's a good thing my apartment is small and doesn't take long to clean, because the euphoria quickly faded last night and drowsiness set in. I woke up about 16 hours later with cleaning paraphernalia everywhere. In the morning I read the warning label. Apparently vicodin is an opiate and it's baaaaad to mix it with acetaminophen. I guess the Theraflu was not such a good idea before bed!

3. This morning I woke up so congested that I could barely breathe. I took some of that prescription Sudafed and twenty minutes later I was bouncy off the walls. I was feeling great and decided to go to Starbucks for some caffeine and to get some work done. About four hours later, I crashed and burned. Then I read the warning label and increased alertness is a side effect.

4. Another side effect of all the above mentioned drugs is decresed appetite. This one I hope I get! I need some assistance in losing this ten pounds of access baggage I have discovered around my abs and ass. I normally lose my appetite when I am sick anyway, so hopefully this will help. As an optimist, I try to look on the bright side of things. And I have always said there is nothing like a bout with illness to help get rid of those stubborn extra pounds!

This has taught me two things-

1. I am very sensitive to drugs.

2. I should read the warning label BEFORE I take medicine.

Anyway, I have been contemplating how I fucking got so sick. And I have come to the conclusion that I am allergic to hippies. I am allergic to practically everything else, so why not the hippies? I hardly ever got sick before I moved to the PRP and when I did it was never this bad or lasted this long. And I have lived in a lot of different places, and the one differentiating factor in Portland is the granola factor. Maybe if the fucking tree huggers put more effort into their personal hygiene this would not be a problem. I have also decided they are a drain on the city's economy. They don't really work or have decent paying jobs, which has a few implications for the city. Rather than going to support programs everyone can benefit from, hard earned tax payer dollars (including HALF of salary!!!) are going to support social welfare programs that only those who are mooching off society can take advantage of. And because these hippies have no money, they are not doing their part to contribute to the retail sector and help grow the economy by increasing the money supply. On average in American cities, there is a money multiple factor of nine. This means that for each dollar pumped into the economy, it helps grow the economy by nine dollars. For all the money I have spent in this city, I deserve a fucking medal! The hippie allergy could possibly explain the weight gain, too. My solution- purge the city of the hippies!

I still feel like crap and am probably contagious, so I emailed Chris and told him I thought it would be best if I worked from home for a few days. (He will be on week two of his three week vacation and business trip stint, so I have been left to fend for myself and run the marketing department...that means I am in control! Muahahahahaha evil laugh! Yeah...power trip.) Not only did he think it was a good idea, but I got an invite to his Oktoberfest 2008 party! Do I have the best boss ever?!?!) In addition to the hippie allergy, I think part of the reason I am so sick is because I never fully recovered from the flu I had a month ago. I started feeling better, but was not completely better when I got back into my normal routine. I just get so frustrated being sick because I can't do anything! I hate just laying in bed doing nothing. I feel so unproductive. (Hmmm, so this is what it's like to be a hippie...IT IS SO NOT FOR ME!) Hopefully a few days of taking it easy and giving the meds time to do their thing will have me back to my normal self.

Doing it Up...PRP Style!

I have come to call Portland "the People's Republic of Portland" (or PRP for short...it sounds more like the People's Republic of China aka PRC or the Democratic Republic of Congo aka DRC that way. A bit more ominous/communist that way! I am SUCH a nerd sometimes!). It's a cute little nickname and completely fitting and descriptive of my sentiments towards the city. So, this was my first real weekend out in the PRP. First my mom was in town, then I started the Big Girl Job, and then I had a friend in town, then I was sick, then I was out of town (biz trip to the R-O-C, baby! More on that to come.) and then I got sick AGAIN!!! So this really was my first opportunity to do it up.

I have discovered a new partner in crime in the PRP. Her name is Brie and we met in yoga. (Okay, altogether now- awwww how cute!!!) It turns out Brie and I have a lot in common-

1. We both just moved to Portland

2. We are the same age AND have Big Girl Jobs

3. (Here is the kicker!!) We have both had trouble coming to terms with all the granola and hippies and tree-huggers in the PRP!!!

We instantly hit it off over our love of yoga, shopping, and the bar scene, as well as our mutual disdain for the PRP granola. We both love the city of Portland, but have experienced a bit of culture shock.

Saturday we decided to meet up for yoga. And there was this guy there who started hitting on us after class. His name is Scott, 35 years old, VP at Bank of America, and in the PRP for a wedding. He was super cute, but super short. The three of us hit it off. Then Brie and I went shopping. I got a pair of True Religions and two tops (a super cute blue one and a purple tee) at Nordy’s and a new yoga top at my yoga studio. To be honest, the only reason I bought the items is because the jeans were two sizes smaller than I normally wear and the tees where XSs. (I do not understand this because I weighed myself yesterday and I GAINED fucking ten pounds! But a lot of it is probably from all the drinking and salty food Saturday night.) And because I am vain and need to boost my self-esteem and inflate my already HUGE ego, it seemed like a valid reason to drop a few hundred dollars.

Then I went home and got some work done. (I am already working on the weekends...that is not a good sign.) That night Brie and I decided we needed a night of drinking. So we got all prettied-up and went bar hopping. I wore then new jeans and new blue shirt. It is not often I say this, but I did look super cute! And then we called Scott to come with us. Omg, Brie and I drank SO much! Well, I probably drank more than she did. I scammed some drinks off some guy at the first bar.

After the second bar, we went back to Brie;’s to change into flip-flops. I was wearing my red Stuart Weitzmans and experiencing a bit of pain due to a nasty blister. At the third bar (when we were getting French fries and chips and all sorts of bad crap) they cut us off. Fucking bastards! So we went to another bar! Hahaha! So, Scott turned out to be an asshole and just wanted to get me and Brie in bed with him. (He might have had a shot at one of us if he weren’t such an a-hole). And the two of us were totally getting hit by guys and Scott was pissed, but we didn’t care because he was a jerk.

Then the three of us went back to Brie’s and watched Juno. Of course I keep saying, “Eww I never want kids. I never want to be pregnant. I never want to get married.” And Scott keeps telling me, “You will be married with three kids within ten years.” I was ready to kick his ass! So by the time the movie is over is it 4:30am. We kick Scott out and I crash at Brie’s. I didn’t make it home until 10am the next day, and then I slept until 3pm. (On the proverbial "Walk of Shame" home, I received all sorts of interesting looks from the local hippie population that appeared to be congregating at some sort of art festival. This "art festival" consisted of all sorts of over-priced shit the hippies made.)

The only reason I woke up is because Brie called to go on a hike. Yes, that’s right. I went on a hike. I felt so crunchy granola, but we had a great time! It was so beautiful in the mountains...I think it was the most granola moment of my entire life. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't tell anyone! It just may ruin my hard-earned reputation as a materialistic bitch. And Scott kept calling us to say he wanted to get together after the wedding!!! LMAO!!!! Riiiiight!

After the hike we went to Whole Foods to grab dinner. Oh, and I thought my phone died because we got caught in the rain and it got so wet! But I was able to play God and brought it back to life! Yay me! I was proud of myself. So after WF I get this call from Brie. She has a hernia!!! After she dropped me at home she wasn’t feeling so good and stopped off at her girl friend’s, who is a doctor. And she has a fucking hernia! Poor girl.

Then because I played all weekend, I had a pretty low-key day yesterday. I gymmed, yogaed, and did some Xerox work. I fucking labored on Labor Day! Oh well. I didn’t mind. Oh, and I got my nails done. I have a super HUGE meeting Thursday with the EVP of Worldwide Marketing and I am scared shitless. I am getting my hair done tomorrow. So even if I have no idea what I am talking about, at least I will look good! And the EVP is French. So I intend on brushing up on my français to impress him. We shall see how that goes! Let's see what do I remember-

1. Voulez-vous couchez avec moi se soir? (Probably not the best phrase to use...or is it???

2. Merde! Basse-toi! (Of course, I remember swear words.)

3. Combien pour acheter cette joupe? (Shopping term.)

4. Je veux une autre biere, s'il ut plais! (I ALWAYS need another drink!)

5. Bonjour, comment ca va? Je suis si heureuse de vous rencontrer. (Ahh, yes! Something work-appropriate.)

When I am some place new where I don't know a lot of people, I develop this bad habit of throwing myself 110% into whatever is I am doing. School, internship, work, etc. This makes it harder and harder to meet people as I get sucked in deeper to the task at hand. Thankfully, my boss yells at me if I work past 5pm or on weekends.

Anyway, the trip to Raaaachester. This was my first business trip for my new job. I think it was very successful. I was in meetings with the East coast half of the marketing team, development team, product teams, and EVPs for ten hours a day for three straight days. It was exhausting, but went well. I also got to spend some time in Fairport see the fam! Yay! I met Laura's new boyfriend, who is nice and equally as hippie/granola as she is. I was able to see Anna before she went back to FIT. And, of course, I had some drunken nights with the parentals!

One of the more amusing events happened when I was on my way back from doing laundry at my parents' house. (Yep, just like in university I brought home a ton of dirty clothes!) I was in the elevator at the hotel. I was about to get off, when the eight year old boy with his dad goes to me, "Hey there, sexy lady! What's your name?" I look at him in disbelief. Thank god the door to my floor opened. I got off and burst into laughter! The two men who also got off asked me if that little boy said what they think he said. I managed to say yes.

One of the great things about the Big Girl Job is fucking flying first class, baby! Free alcohol AND the food doesn't suck!

What does suck is I got off the airplane in PDX sick. Turns out I have bronchitis, inflamed tonsils, AND an ear infection! What am I, like five years old again?!?! What 25 year old adult gets this shit?