My Uncle

My dad’s older brother was diagnosed with cancer about a month ago. If he is lucky, he has three more years.

I surprised myself with the initial reaction I had. I was not upset that my uncle could possible die soon, but I was upset that my father would be losing a brother. Due to the evil step monster, my dad does not have a good relationship with his father and they haven’t spoken in years. The last time they saw each other, the step monster just about provoked WWIII. And my dad also does not talk to his sister. Other than his aunt (who is my father’s mother’s sister) and some cousins, my dad does not have too much to do with his family. But he is close with his brother. I could not imagine my life without my sisters or my parents. I can not fathom the idea of being so angry with them that I would never want to talk to them. It really bothers me that my dad does not have a better relationship with his family. So when he told me his brother is sick with cancer, I felt bad that he might be losing one of the few family members he still talked to.

My uncle (and his wife) has never taken very good care of themselves, health-wise. They are both obese and don’t pay attention to their diet and never exercise. In fact, my uncle has had many weight related problems- diabetes, joint trouble, sleep apnea, high blood pressure and cholesterol, etc. He even has gastric bypass surgery and did not lose a fucking pound! (Seriously, how the fuck does that happen?!?! You actually have to try hard not to lose weight after doctors make your stomach the size of a pea!) Less than a year ago he was hospitalized because he is on so many different medications for all of his aliments that they made his blood toxic! Now that my uncle has started his chemo, he is really not doing so well. He has lost his hair and is weak and sick and doing horrible.

My reaction to this was not compassion or empathy. Rather my first thoughts were, “He had it coming! He brought this on himself! I bet he wished he had taken care of himself.” That’s not normal. I know he can’t help that he got cancer. But he would have had a better chance if he were otherwise healthy. And it makes me mad. I’m mad that my dad is losing his brother. I’m mad that my aunt is losing a husband. I’m mad that cousin is losing a father. And I am mad that my sisters and I are losing an uncle.

At the same time, who the fuck am I to talk? I have not exactly been kind to my body. But it is the opposite of how my uncle was not kind to his body. After years of over-exercising, depriving my body of food, and intentionally puking up everything I ate, I am still seeing the aftermath of my bad behavior. And I probably always will. I don’t know if I can have babies (it’s a good thing I don’t want kids!). My hair won’t ever grow back all the way and be thick and beautiful like it used to. My hands are scared. I have osteopenia. So, if I am diagnosed with osteoporosis when I’m 30, people will probably say that I had it coming. That I did it to myself. That I bet I wish I had taken better care of myself.

She Finally Has a Name!!!

I decided that the BMW was giving off a feminine vibe and it must be a girl. She is hot, unique, and classy (just like her owner! HAHAHAHAHA!!! Riiiight…), so she needs a hot, unique, and classy name. It has been my life’s ambition to be a Bond Girl. (But I want to be an evil one, and not one that dies.) And my Bavarian Motor Works car is German, and Vesper Lynd is a pun on West Berlin. So it only made sense to go with Vesper Lynd! Vesper Lynd is the name of the Bond Girl in Casino Royale. Although Eva Green played her in the most recent version, Ursula Andress played the character in the original (even though the original was kind of a satire). And Ursula Andress is my FAVORITE Bond Girl of all time as Honey Ryder in Dr. No, but Honey Ryder is just slighty too porn for a car this classy!

I am in LOOOOOVE!!!!

I have fallen in love. Like serious head-over-heels in love.

My dad works for Xerox in Rochester, for those of you who don’t know. And no, that is not how I got my job. My boss never even heard of my dad. He is in the innovation group, so I market the technologies his team developed. Isn’t that cute?!?! Anyway, so my dad was in town for work. We both took an afternoon off so we could have some quality Father-Daughter Bonding time.

He was traveling with a team of nerds (his research engineers), so I got to meet them for Starbucks and dinner one night. They think I am nuts! (Which I very well might be.) One of them is a vegetarian, so I was given the task of finding a suitable restaurant for dinner. Considering the People’s Republic of Portland is filled with Trustafarians (this term is used to describe the seemingly poor tree-huggers who are actually trust fund babies), there are many high-end vegetarian eating establishments. And I found the mother of all hippy-friendly restaurants. It is this VEGAN restaurant called the Blossoming Lotus and located inside my yoga studio. Not only were there no meat or diary products on the meal, there were many raw and gluten-free offerings. That’s one good thing about the PRP- my dietary constrictions due to allergies have easily been accommodated. To balance out the hippy-ness of the Blossoming Lotus, I wore all labels- Cynthia Vincent, Prada, Kate Spade, and BCBG. But the food was really good!

One of the things my dad and I did (other than drink a LOT) is something we used to do all the time when I was growing up- look at cars! Because my dad is bad-ass and has a Harley, we stopped off at this HUGE HD dealership then went to lunch. After that, we went to the BMW dealership aka Heaven On Earth. I have been wanting a new car for a while. The Civic just does not cut it. I have a Big Girl Job and a Big Girl Wardrobe and a Big Girl Apartment. The Little Girl Car just does not work. Especially when consider the fact that most of my shoes cost more than my monthly car payment. I have been thinking about a 1 or 3 series. They both have the same engines, but the 1 series is lighter and thus the power-to-weight ratio kicks fucking ass!!!

We arrive at the dealership…and this is when I fell in love…with a 328i. The car is graphite with beige leather interior and wood accents. Perfection with four tires! It was truly an instance of love at first. And then I drove it. Enough said. I was concerned the 328 would be underpowered, and was pleasantly surprised! The 3.0 liter 6 cylinder engine puts out 230-hp at 6500 rpm and 200 lb-ft of torque at 2750 rpm! And it has almost perfect 50-50 weight distribution.

After the test drive, it was painful to drive the Civic. And that poor 2006 Honda Civic has had a tough life- rear-ended on the way to school, dented up by DAS, replaced windshield…not to mention I drove the shit out of that poor thing! So, when they offered me a lot more than the buyout, it was game over. The Civic lost, and the BMW won.

Daddy and I went to McCormick and Schmick’s for dinner to discuss my options and got totally hammered off of incredible wine in the process. We both came to the conclusion that the BMW was an offer I could not refuse. I went back the next day after work and reunited with my love!! We are both so happy together and look forward to three wonderful years together…when the new body style comes out and I get a new one. Afterall, I am a heartless bitch.

So the drive to work the next day just was not enough for me. I needed another excuse to drive my car and went to Starbucks. I had a traumatic experience. I parked very far away even though the parking lot was empty. No sooner do I step away from my car then this fucking stupid bitch in an old Explorer parks next me. I get my coffee and walk back to discover that she has parked so badly that I can't get out of the spot!!!! I had to go back into Starbucks and told the girls at the counter. One of them got up on a chair and made an announcement that must have been extremely embarrassing to Dumb Bitch. I had to wait ten minutes before she 'fessed up and moved her car. She said that as soon as she parked she knew she should have fixed it. I was like no kidding! And asked what stopped her. She just looked at me.

I am totally one of “those” anal, OCD car owners. I think I love this BMW more than life itself. I do not get along with the girl who parks next to me at my building…this will be interesting. (The bitch has the audacity to question my parking skills!!! I told her to measure because I was equidistance between both lines for my space. She said that just two days ago, I was parked so far over that she was unable to park. I then told her she was full of shit because I was out of town for ten days and just got back…and my car was parked at the airport. I then said, “Have a great day, sweetie, and learn to fucking park.” I am now concerned for the life of my car.)

It has been one week to the day that I have had my baby, and I have get to name it! First I need to decide if the car is a boy, girl, or an it. Then the name will come. Any suggestions out there???