There Are Good Things About Oregon??

If you have read any of my previous posts, you have probably gathered that I still have not come to terms with the fact that I live in Oregon. Fucking Oregon. With the hippies and tree-huggers and granola-loving environmentalists. I don’t feel like I fit in here, or that I am accepted. But at the same time, I don’t think I am giving the state a fair chance.

Over the weekend, I had lunch with Portland’s hottest gay couple, aka Doug and Kasey. I told them how I felt like I was the only like me in the city. And they pointed out that the fact that I am here should show me that I am probably not the only one. And it will just take some time to find my kindred capitalist, shoe-loving spirits.

I think I tell EVERYONE I talk to about my feelings towards Portland and Oregon. As a result, I have received the below email on numerous occasions. (The bold text are my comments...I always put my two cents in!) Up until this point, the only good things about living here are- 1) no sales tax and 2) they pump your gas. So, I am going to try really really really hard to like it here.

Why Oregon Rocks....If you already didn't know!

OREGON PEOPLE (also referred to as Oregonians, Oregonites, and Oregeishans)

We are in Oregon, the best state in the US, which means we have skiing in the east, farm country in the valley, wine country in the south, skiing (again) right smack in the middle, the ocean out to the west, and not too many suburbs since we have urban growth boundaries, take your pick.

The Rose Festival includes the largest all floral parades in the country.

P-town is the City of Roses.

Portland has more strip clubs per capita than any other city in the country. (BOW-CHICKA-WOW-WOW!!!)

We can drink any city/state under the table.

We have more microbreweries per capita than Germany! (i.e. we have a better night life than you!)

We have more ghost towns than any other state - yeah, we're pretty spooky.

We don't have to pump our own gas.

We don't have sales tax, either.Average Precipitation - 37" (less than Atlanta, Baltimore, Houston or Seattle - and without that nasty humidity) - Take that!

More people drink Pabst Blue Ribbon in Portland than anywhere else in the US.

Rogue Ale Brewery, Full Sail, Pelican Brewery, Widmer, Deschutes Brewery and so much more! So many choices... so many beers... again with the best night life...

We can hit the club, drink at a friend's house, go to the beach, and go skiing all in one weekend, year round.

We have the country's leading clean-air mass transit system for all those who care about breathing...

Matt Groening, creator of The Simpson's is from P-town and his father's name is Homer.

We know how to drive, period. (I UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES AGREE WITH THIS ONE!!!!!)

Tillamook cheese is the shit!

We have The Original Pancake House.

All of you played the Oregon Trail computer game and drowned your oxen on purpose... and you know it. (OH, THIS WAS TOTALLY ONE OF MY FAVORITE GAMES! EVEN AS A SECOND GRADER I WAS A NERD AND LIKED THE EDUCATIONAL COMPUTER GAMES.)

Winter and spring may cause you to rust, but the summers average around 80 with no humidity.

A shout out to our neighbors below us...Please go back, back to Cali, Cali... (I TAKE OFFENSE TO THIS! THE PEOPLE OF OREGON NEED TO BE ACCEPTING OF DIFFERENT CULTURES!)

We take snow days whenever because it's always snowing on Mt. Hood.

TV shows about rich kids whining haven't got shit on The Simpson's. Oh and don't forget The Shining..."Here's Johnnnnyyyy!!" ... that was filmed at Timberline Lodge ((rebecca's note: no it wasn't. they used timberline for the outward appearance but the majority of the movie was filmed in CO)). One Flew Over the Cukoo's Nest was filmed in the State Hospital in Salem. And Animal house was filmed in Eugene Oregon. Kindergarden Cop, The Goonies, Short Circuit, Free Willy, Chuthlu, and The Ring 2 were all filmed in Astoria. Mr. Holland's Opus was filmed at Grant High School in Portland.

Fuck Blue Crab... Dungeness Crab is the shit, no butter necessary.

We have Crater Lake, America's deepest lake and Hells Canyon, the world's deepest river carved canyon.

We don't have an accent.

Every time you see one of the Trail Blazers, not on the basketball court, they are high. We can't blame them,

Oregon herb is dank.

Grown men who wear Birkenstocks are manly... (in Eugene) (EWWWWW)

We clam bake, hot box, and smoke out, not up.

We get off school for one inch of snow. (OHHH I CAN”T WAIT FOR THIS!! I WENT TO SCHOOL IN FOUR FEET OF SNOW AND DIDN”T THINK ANYTHING OF IT. SCHOOL WOULD ONLY BE CANCELED IF THE POWER WAS OUT…OR IF THE GAS FROZE IN THE FUELS OF THE SCHOOL BUSES…YEP, IT GETS THAT COLD IN RAAAAAAACHESTER!)

Our crab is better than Maine's lobster.

We have the best Shakespeare Festival in the world.

Move over Napa Valley... the Willamette Valley is coming to getchya!

Medical Mary J aint bad either

You can pretty much drive anywhere in Oregon and enjoy it because I would have to say that the MEN & WOMEN in Oregon Kick ASS for being beautiful !!

The ladies in oregon are hott. They are better than California girls. The ladies in Oregon like to hang at the beach in their bikinis, hike, rock climb, camp, and jump outta planes. They just flat out ROCK!!! (AGAIN, DON”T DIS THE CALI GIRLS)

Oregon is the only state where you will have to switch between AC and heater several times during the day!

Oregon is home. (NOW IT IS!)

The world does not stop just because it rains

We recycle because it's the right thing to do

In Oregon, you get a nickel for every soda can or beer can/bottle you drink!

Into Each Life Some Rain Must Fall…

…Some Days Must Be Dark And Dreary
-Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Mr. Longfellow doe s not know what the fuck he is talking about. My life does not need any rain. I was perfectly happy living in SoCal when it never rained and it was always sunny. Now that I am in Portland aka the Rain Capital of the World, I can’t even REMEMBER the last time I saw the sun. And I have lost my tan almost entirely- I am pale and pastey, which is NOT a good look for me. For the first time in my life, I think I am going to have to start tanning on a regular basis! The gay barista at my Starbucks told me it was one of the few things that makes him feel better in this weather. (I have a friend who used to live in Minneapolis. She said that the only thing that helped her Seasonal Affective Disorder was shopping…the poor girl had to go to the Mall of America everyday to keep her sanity! Honestly, can you imagine what an incredible wardrobe I would have if I did that?!?! I already do enough shopping as it is!)

But the rain does help explain a lot about the people in the People’s Republic of Portland (ohhhh, the PRP…I will get into this one later). What would you call them? Portlanders? So, anyway, I have noticed that when you walk into a store or restaurant there is a little stop by the doorway and a sign indicated this is where one is to place an umbrella when entering the establishment. When I first moved here, it was sunny and wonderful, and I did not understand these little umbrella umbrella designated spaces. Now I do. But, I figure they must be for tourists because NO ONE in this fucking city carries and umbrella! On my way to yoga Monday night, it was pouring and I was the only one with an umbrella. I found this perplexing.

The lack of umbrellas, in turn, sheds so much light on the hippy tree-huggers! I am normally the only female in heels, make-up, and her hair down at any give moment or location in the PRP. This goes for work, as well. Now I realize it is because they don’t use umbrellas, and all these things would be ruined by the rain. But this still does not account for the lack of umbrellas in the first place…laziness? Indifference?

Since there will be no escaping Portland in the foreseeable future for more than a few days (including trips to Cali and the Annual Winter Sojourn to the East Coast…ugh I am going to FUCKING DIE!! I can’t handle the rain, let alone the goddamn snow. I am going to turn into a Saracicle), I need a strategy to make the rain seem less horrible. My yoga instructor suggested I keep telling myself I LOVE the rain. Then maybe I will be able to convince or trick myself into actually believing it! Yeah, that’s not happening. I tried. I still hate the rain.

But there will be a momentary reprieve when I go to California next week!! Yay!

Oh, so back to the People’s Republic of Portland. It looks like it will be a much larger part of the People’s Republic of the United States after the election! If Obama has his way, we will be living in a fucking socialist country!!!! A lot of people were shocked to hear that I did not vote for Obama. (A lot of people are also shocked when they hear I am not a vegetarian, which I have never understood. I need my meat, damn it!) Actually, I wrote in Rudy because I am a New Yorker at heart! The thing is, I am right wing in the sense that I believe the less government intervention into the lives of citizens, the better off we will all be. (Let’s hear it for my boy Jean-Baptiste Colbert and lassiez-faire economics!!! Woohoo!!!) As long as whatever you are doing makes you happy and you aren’t harming yourself or others, what the hell shouldn’t you keep on doing it?!?! So, I am all for a woman’s right to choose and gay marriage (boooo to all the assholes who voted yes in Cali on Prop 8! YOU SUCK!!!), but totally against social programs that are funded with my hard earned pay check that I can’t take advantage of because I make too fucking much money. In other words, the government needs to leave me and my paycheck the fuck alone!

Obama is totally NOT Mr. Laissez-faire. Just the opposite. When I was on my Groundhog’s Day Call (I have this weekly program team meeting for one of the services I am doing the marketing work for. This call lasts for 3-4 hours and the SAME fucking this is said in this call every fucking week! It is almost like it is scripted or something. So, I call it the Groundhog’s Day Call because it never changes and is always the same- like the movie. Seriously, we would get more accomplished in a monthly call that lasted 45 minutes. This call is a fucking waste of me invaluable time. Normally I spend it emailing, shopping online, or writing in my blog. It was especially painful today, and was forced to do all three.) it occurred to me that for the first time in history, Canada has a more right-leaning leader-elect than the United States!!! That’s it. I am defecting. I am going to seek political asylum in Canada. I think that Toronto could use one more marketing executive, anyway. (I have it all planned out- I am going to get a cute little condo in Yorkville and work for the Xerox branch on Bloor Street. I can head up Xerox Canada, and then take over Anne Mulcahy’s job as Chairman and CEO. Then I would rename the Chairman position to Chair-fashionista and move Xerox’s HQ to Toronto. Good plan and highly feasible, don’t you think?)

Oy vey! Tuesday night after the election results were announced, the fucking socialist tree-hugger hippies took to the streets in fine proletarian form! They were cheering and honking their horns, and being extremely obnoxious. And they fucking kept me until after midnight! I get up at 4am so I can go to the gym in the morning, and I need my beauty sleep. Not only were the hippies excited about the eminent shrinkage of my income, they caused me to look like ass the next day! I was not pleased. Because I have chutzpah, I yelled at the mother-fuckers in the hall of building to shut their goddamn mouths so I could go to sleep. I said that unlike their lazy trustafarian asses, I actually worked for a living! Yeeeeah, I made some enemies that night.

On a sad note, Vesper Lynd, my beautiful BMW 3.28i has suffered an injury! My poor baby and I were driving home from work when out of NO WHERE this rock hits her hood! (Actually, it was almost the exact same spot where my Civic was hit with a rouge baseball that shattered its windshield.) The rock literally torn the paint off. Not good, not good at all.