I just spent a fabulous few days near Playa del Carmen, a Bit south of Cancun. Fabulous and interesting. I got my ticket on miles (go me! Let’s hear it for free airfare!) and had to deal with awful flight times and connections. I arrived at the hotel nearly 18 hours after I left Portland. The parentals arrived a few hours before me and clearly hit the bar right away! What else was I to do except catch up?!?!
The next day, we woke up and immediately went straight to the pool. We had only been out there a few minutes, when my mom decides she needs a pina colada. My dad agrees. Being a fan of tequila, I opt for the margarita. Mind you, this is at 10:30am in the sweltering heat and the last drink I had was NYE…I was drunk of my ass within half an hour. Life is great!!!
There is an area of the pool that was only a few inches deep where you could put the lounge chairs. My mom and I decide this is a great idea- you can sit in the water and not get wet! We are only a few sips into drinks when some fat old gross man walks by my mom and asks, “What would you do if I pushed you in?” My mom replies, “I’d kick your ass.” (Gee, I wonder where I get it from??) My dad bursts out laughing and tells the man to go ahead and try, because he would really like to see that. Unfortunately, the man realizes my mom is with my dad and walks away…I really wanted to see my mom in action!
By lunch time, I am ready for something stronger and move on the Long Islands. It is at this point that I realize there is more Euro Trash in Cancun than in Europe! I mean, ewwwwwww! I have never seen so many men in Speedos in my entire life…not even when watching the Olympics on TV. And of course, all these men did not exactly have Daniel Craig’s body. Then it was back to the pool for more sun and alcohol!!
One of my sisters was arriving that evening, so my parents and I made our way to the hotel. It was then that I discovered that iguanas were all over the place! I was fascinated by them and took at least five pictures of every one that I saw. It took us a while to get to the lobby. We are almost there and I get my mom to take a picture of my by a palm tree. Next thing you know, both she and my dad are encouraging me to climb it! This seems like a brilliant idea at the time, but not so easy to implement. I don’t know how many of you have ever tried to climb of these things before, but it is hard! I did not know that the palms have thorns like roses, only sturdier and sharper. The palm tree my mom selected for me is not very big, but since I had had more than a few drinks I practical impale myself on it! Owwwwww…I received a number of small, but deep cuts from the failed attempt and end up bloody and frustrated.
But no matter, the lobby and bar are insight!
We sit and chat while we wait for my sister and have a few more drinks. All my dad wants to do is talk about Xerox, which is boring my mom to death. Then out of nowhere, my mom says, “I am sorry your father and I are being such c-blocks.” Every time I see my mother, she manages to use the word c-block or cock-block. (I wrote about this when she visited me in the People’s Republic of Portland.) My dad stares blankly at her and I say not to worry because there is not one man in the entire hotel I find attractive.
My sister gets there soon and it is a joyful reunion! She starts drinking with us, and I look her. The girl has gotten fucking HUGE! As it turns out, the boyfriend du jour is into weight lifting…so now she is, too. I get to hear all about how she is tracking her protein intake (not easy for a vegetarian) and drinks protein shakes, takes supplements, and has a great lifting schedule. Then I get to hear about her Creatin regime, and the bulky muscles start making sense. Then she tells me I am looking a little scrawny, and need to monitor my protein and fat intake. I tell her she looks like a man with those arms.
A few more drinks into the conversation, I find out she has quit her job at State Farm so she can work on an organic farm!
We stumble back to the hotel room and awaken the next morning at 6am to a text message from my other sister…she has strep throat and thinks the world is coming to an end. For the rest of the trip, my dad kept bitching about how much this was costing him on his Verizon bill, yet ran all around the hotel property trying to get reception!
After a few days of sun, sand, and alcohol…with all too much gross Euro Trash, it was time to head back to the People’s Republic of Portland, which proved to be an adventure in itself. Due to the free ticket, I had the worst itinerary going back. But I had been able to find a flight from Dulles to Seattle that would have made the journey so much easier…then the Travel Curse hit.
I was “randomly selected” for an agricultural screening at immigration. Seriously, what the fuck is agricultural screening?!?! I made it through the painfully slow process of watching my bags being searched for fruits, vegetables, bugs, animals, and such. Then I got to customs. And the fuckers took my bottle of tequila!!!! I bought the tequila at duty free in the Cancun airport- it was in a sealed bag and I had the receipts and everything! When I asked why they were taking it, they said, “It’s policy,” I bet the bastards just drank it themselves.
By the time I was finished with all the bullshit, I missed the flight to Seattle! I had to go through LAX and then to PDX. I didn’t get back until 10am the next morning, but still managed to make it into work by noon looking fabulous!
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